The Colby Echo

Issue date: 4/23/08 Section: Opinions

My ruminations today were keyed by the homage to the retiring economist and environmental studies guy, Tom Tietenberg. He's a world-class scholar and policy wonk, and a marvelous teacher. We all contributed little messages to a "goodbye" computer page so that he would know that he will be missed at Colby.

This is a long way to get to my story today. Having dinner at the SSW Alumni Center before the Tietenberg/Grossman Lecture, I was confronted by a sign-board on the wall announcing "The Charles Bassett Service to Alumni" award, yours truly being the first to get it (hence the naming opportunity). Subsequent "winners" include Cal Mackenzie, Sandy Maisel and Pete Moss (oddly, recent servants to alumni all have last names beginning with "m.").

But I got to thinking about memories of students of mine, lots of students of mine. Why am I the one singled out for "service to alumni"? And I have a clue. Back in the 'Seventies, Colby still played host to several fraternities, most of them housed on the quad between the library and Roberts. And every year-FOR CHARITY, NO KIDDING NOW, *FOR CHARITY*-some enterprising young man would agree to put a pie in the face of a faculty person for a "charitable" donation.

And we all-we doomed faculty targets-knew when the pie season started. And we took precautions to avoid the pie. At least I did. But I was teaching a great big class in Lovejoy 100, then seating 200 or so, no curved desks and "modesty panels." Anyway, ten minutes before the lecture concluded, a couple dozen kids came in and began to take notes.

"Today," I murmured. And just then a person in a full gorilla costume came down the aisle and began tugging at my pants leg. No visible pie, so I started kicking at the gorilla. Just then, however, the back door opened and a guy in a complete Superman costume-cape, little red jockstrap-came in, jumped on the gorilla, and shouted, "I'll save you, Professor Bassett."
I stared at the fight as did the 150 students in Lovejoy 100, they cheering and hollering, I absolutely captivated by the whole thing. And you know what happened: the guy with the pie walked on and got me as I stared, fascinated by the spectacle. I couldn't even legitimately turn in the pie-guy, who took such a marvelous part in this elaborate charade.

Even if the frat guys spent the "charity" money on Natty Light (as I was pretty sure they did), I had to admire their inventiveness. But as I toweled the pie off my face, little did I realize that I would be eventually recognized for "service to alumni." I'm not sure if McKenzie-Maisel-Moss ever got pied, but their names are up there on the plaque.

Sociology's Tom Morrione drove off the pie guy with a fire extinguisher, thus earning a stiff reprimand from the Dean of Faculty, who claimed that fire extinguishers were only there to extinguish fires. But not even the frat guys would pie the Dean of Faculty, whose name is not up there on the Alumni Office plaque. Maybe the Dean of Faculty should have gotten out there in the Lovejoy trenches; he/she might then become certified servants to alumni.

Don't hold your breath.

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