The Colby Echo

Issue date: 3/16/07 Section: Arts & Entertainment

As Doghead 2007 rapidly approaches, many of us are reliving memories of debauchery from years past...trying to hold down absurd amounts of green beer while stumbling home from the roadhouse with green lips and wearing nothing but a pair of matching spandex. To get the green beer effect without consuming dangerous amounts of that dye your mom used for making birthday cakes, we suggest indulging in the two classic green bottled beers: Heineken and Rolling Rock.

After slightly modifying the intricate rating system developed for reviews past, we have selected the following key characteristics to compare these two lagers: reputation, taste, and most importantly, awesomeness.

Both of these beers come with a storied history. Rolling Rock was brewed in Latrobe, Pennsylvania population 7,634 from 1939 to 2006. With such a long history of brewing in the same location, it may alarm you that the Anheuser-Busch company bought the rights to the Rolling Rock name in May of 2006, and it is now brewed in St. Louis. Rolling Rock sold out. Heineken, on the other hand, was the first imported beer to reach American soil following the end of prohibition. This helps to explain why Heineken has remained one of America's top beer imports, and why your dad drinks it. Advantage: Heineken.

An unbiased double blind taste test involving three Doghead enthusiasts was conducted. The following are some thoughts on the two beers. Participant A believed "Heineken has a little ass taste to it", while participant B questioned where A had been the night before. Participant C remarked that Rolling Rock was "particularly smooth and light" exclaiming "Wow, I could drink a lot of this." Advantage: Rolling Rock.

In terms of awesomeness, other than the fact that a Heineken just looks sexy, the only cool thing that we could find about Heineken is that the three e's on the label are tilted as to look like smiley faces. Apparently, they believed the original label was "too formal for the beer." However, if you've ever enjoyed a Rolling Rock, you may be familiar with the enigmatic number "33". Despite popular belief that this refers to 1933, the year that prohibition repealed, it is actually just a misprint from the first batch of bottles. "33" is simply a count of the words in the famous phrase on the bottle "From the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe. We tender this Premium beer for your enjoyment, as a tribute to your good taste. It comes from the mountain springs to you." You may ask, "But guys, there's only 31 words in the quote on the back of the bottle." Alas my friend, you forget the two most important words of all...Advantage "Rolling Rock".

Considering the fact that Rolling Rock is on average 23% less expensive (assuming you don't happen upon a "distressed" case of Heineken at your local package store) and that it won two out of three of our most important categories, we conclude that Rolling Rock is the official green bottled beer of Doghead. Drink responsibly.

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools